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Joke of the Day

"[buying a wood chipper] ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in? SALESMAN: What? ME: What?"

"What do you get when an alternative metal band runs out of toilet paper? Rage Upon the Latrine"

"April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest."

"If Donald Trump enacts a law saying baby strollers cannot be more than twice the width of the babies in them, I will vote for him in 2020."

"BF went to text me ""almost there"" It came out ""almost dead"" So hungover, I wrote back ""thank god"" And now he arrived and things are awkward"

"I've been reading a book about the history of glue. I can't put it down!"

"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog."

"What are 3 words that men hate during sex? *""Honey*, I'm home!"""

"Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? ...neither did she"

"How did Jesus get so ripped? He does crossfit."