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Joke of the Day

"I like my beer like i like my violence. Domestic.."

"My mom just got me off of work early. I love when she comes by the office. *Literally just happened"

"What did the lipstick and the eye-shadow do after they got into a fight? Had makeup sex"

"According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate."

"Every morning is the dawn of a new error."

"[on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'"

"Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse's ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport."

"I know 3 jokes about cheese... But none of them are as gouda 'dis one."

"I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying ""I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."""

"Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN."