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Joke of the Day

"Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM's to go public. I'm just kidding, don't do that shit. We'd kill you."

"What do you call the security at a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy, or firefighters."

"What us the difference between garbage and Jersey Girls? Garbage gets picked up."

"(Flash of brilliance while out shopping) My friend asked me what my favorite store to shop at was. I couldn't decide, so I said I love ""them all"""

"What did the astronaut get on his science project? He received a T minus."

"Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? It scares their seeing-eye dog."

"I saw a weird competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have intercourse with them self wins. So I entered myself."

"Why aren't pigs invited to black tie events? Haven't you ever seen pig's tie? It's filthy!"

"If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?"

"Why was the black man selling drugs? He was a pharmacist."