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Joke of the Day

"What is the name of the secret society of weavers? I-loom-'n'-I-tie"

"What would santa be if he was a farmer? A jolly rancher."

"[On date] Her - ""so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?"" Me - ""Jurassic Park theme"""

"If Trump becomes president, I would really like to see how Republicans are going to defend him for doing the same thing Obama did: Nothing."

"BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured."

"WHY *smack* DON'T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?"

"What's the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a Busty Crustacean"

"Tried seducing my wife with a 'lil strip tease. She said it was going well right up until I got naked and spread my butt cheeks in her face."

"*waits for you to fall asleep* *rolls out from under your bed* *moisturizes your knees and elbows*"

"I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you."