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Joke of the Day

"The snow in the front yard is melting and so far I've found 3 unopened beers. *Adds party planner to resume*"

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"I feel like life would be so much more enjoyable if punching bags and pinatas were strategically placed throughout the day"
"I hope I don't get bitten by a vampire when I'm old and have to spend eternity as a senior citizen."
"How are teenaged boys like the enzyme helicase? They both want to unzip your genes! credit goes to Hank from CrashCourse on Youtube :)"
"I thought my watch ran out of battery power... It scared me for a second."
"What do amputees and cricket have in common? Stumps"
"[on date] Here, let me help you with your jacket! *i gently remove her jacket* This is mine now. Cya"
"Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone... ... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?"
"What should you do when push comes to shove? Learn to read. The door says ""pull""."
"What is a firefighter's favorite video game console? Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U HINT: Say it outloud"