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Joke of the Day

"What does a neckbeard tip his fedora to in soviet russia? ""M'otherland"""

"What's the difference between the US and Russian Presidents? US presidents get shot while Russian presidents take shots."

"My wife has developed a fetish with salad items... Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass. And that was just the tip of the iceburg"

"Did you hear about the gangster panda? It eats shoots and leaves."

"Hate when I eat the last bite and didn't notice it was the last bite so I couldn't mentally prepare myself and get any closure."

"Why couldn't the Dairy Queen have any kids? Because she married Mr. Softy!"

"How does the moon cut his hair Eclipse it"

"Me: What do you want for breakfast? 4yo: Bagel Me: *makes it 4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel"

"Autocorrect is like that person who just graduated college and think they know everything."

"What do you call a tractor trailer that can't keep up with the others? (Self) Semi retarded."