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Joke of the Day

"Give me a compliment? Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight."""

"What's the difference between the Leafs and a Pornstar? They both get fucked. They both get paid. But only one of them really enjoys it."

"I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far."

"Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide. Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face."

"Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resume list ""psychics abilities"" under skills? No. Next question."

"What is God's favorite guitar chord? Gsus"

"Hubs says when I drink I'm ""too loud"" and use too many ""big words."" WELL I'M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!"

"Did you hear about the guy that got married to a T.V. antenna? I guess the wedding was boring, but the reception was great."

"Why do men die before their wives? Because we want to!"

"I'm terrified of elevators I take steps to avoid them"