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Joke of the Day

"Do you know the meaning ""Happy wife, happy life""? I tend to go with ""Happy wife, extended life."""

"[oval office] SECRETARY: (shrieks) there's a dead rat on my desk! PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*"

"When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends"

"Why was the schwa bad at giving speeches? He said ""uhh"" way too much."

"The person who discovered electricity... Must have been quite shocked!"

"Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like? Me: Open ones."

"What's the difference between a worm and an apple ? Have you ever tried worm pie ?!"

"It must be hard to be the fat kid in your classroom... And must be even harder for Kim Jong Eun, who is the only fat kid in his country."

"I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don't sleep with him. Long story short he pays for the taxi."

"I am genuinely terrified of my Biology Professor I heard he has a lot of skeletons in his closet"