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Joke of the Day

"I feel bad for men with erectile disfunction, but they all seem to be handling it well. It's like all of them literally can't give a fuck."

"Text me once, shame on you. Text me twice, congratulations, we are now trapped in an infinite emotional prison."

"Wife: I'll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I'll be giving her half of my food."

"The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine."

"Doctor doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live! Be with you in a minute"

"Little Willy Was A Chemist Little Willy is no More For what he thought was H20 was H2SO4"

"What does farm animal porn sound like? Brownchickenbrowncow"

"People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I'm allowed to raise my cat however I want."

"The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!"

"Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?"