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Joke of the Day

"The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!"

"*Wakes up in Superman's body* Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero! *Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*"

"I'm at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think 'bingo"

"If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer ""all sales are vinyl"" until I was fired. It would be worth it."

"*sends you a pic of a kitten* *you reply, ""Awe""* *face melts* *responds, ""We've been over this already, it's ""Aww""* *deletes your number*"

"If you're happy and you know it, share your meds"

"What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking in a house fire"

"I have never managed to find a happy medium All the one's I've ever met have a haunted look to them."

"""Hurt me!"" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... ""Alright,"" I said. ""You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."""

"If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio"