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Joke of the Day

"Interview Employer: ""This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible."" Applicant: ""I'm the one you want! At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible."""

"baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There's no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing"

"If I was gonna kill myself, I'd fly a helicopter into the sun. It'd be badass. Babes would weep for the carnal possibilities they missed."

"I like my coffee like I like my slaves Free You racist fuck"

"I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception."

"What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God? Eggnog-stic."

"No more ""if you're bf stops playing his game to text you..."" If your girlfriend understands to give texting a rest when you're playing video games, marry her."

"""I got hoes in different area codes."" - World's most disorganized landscaper."

"The key to Simon & Garfunkel's success was that one was big and one was small. Before, duos were always the same size. They changed the game"

"what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs"