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Joke of the Day

"baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There's no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing"

"The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn't amused when I said, ""I don't think it's working"""

"My friend saw the son of god at a brothel yesterday... Or as he called it, the third coming of Jesus."

"Two women are sitting in a cafe discussing work.. One says to the other ""How do you like your job testing push-up bras?"" The other woman replies, ""It has its perks."""

"I'm not always a gentleman in the bedroom, but I will hold the door for you so you can leave afterwards."

"[having sex] Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS! Her: USE YOUR HANDS! Me: *raises the roof*"

"I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy. So i'm forced to sit down when i pee."

"*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned *grammar nazi bites lip*"

"Men You know how they say ""why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?"" Well I say, ""why buy the whole pig for a little sausage..."""

"""Oh shit I murdered someone"" ""You should turn yourself into the police"" ""Great idea!"" *puts on badge and hat* ""Looks like a suicide to me"""