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Joke of the Day

"baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There's no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing"

"What was the last line in Anne Frank's diary? Just a moment, someone's knocking on the door.."

"If cars where fueled by bullshit most of your tanks would always be full."

"How can you smuggle 500 Jews across the border in one car? In an ash tray"

"What kind of car drives over water? Any kind of car if it goes over a bridge."

"They found Bruce Willis dead next to a bottle of Viagra... ...I guess he *Died Hard*"

"Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log in and start posting. Hello, darlings."

"""Did you hear? Grandpa got burnt the other day."" ""How badly?"" ""Well they don't fuck around at the crematorium."""

"Mommy what's an ""Act of God?"" Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an ""active god"" is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body"

"Sometimes it looks like I'm flashing gang signs, but really I'm just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand."