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Joke of the Day

"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you."

"Someone just threw sodium chloride at me. It was a salt."

"Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy."

"When I see a person with facial tattoos, I also know that I will see them in handcuffs if I follow them around long enough."

"Oral makes your whole day... But anal makes your hole weak!"

"GF: ""Call me ASAP, it's an emergency!"" Me: ""Hi ASAP, it's an emergency!"""

"CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement? Me: *pauses* (with Cheeto stained lips) *kisses paper* CW: Me: That's my signature."

"You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet."

"Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex. Then ask if you're attractive enough. Then ask your doctor for sex."

"What did the sexy Japanese food say? Miso horny"