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Joke of the Day

"Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy."

"Have you ever been to an Istanbul nightclub? I hear they're poppin' and a good place to get wasted!"

"Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you're interested in what they are saying"

"[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET] long day? ""ugh I can't wait to go home"" know who else wanted to go home"

"As a quiet and skinny person, I feel like we should charge loud and fat people more to ride the subway. It won't be difficult to implement either. All we would need to do is charge them by volume."

"When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side."

"What is the funniest name for male prostitutes? Peter sellers."

"[school] Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy? ""Abolishing slavery."" And... ""Slaying vampires."" Very good."

"Why do bees stay in their hive during Winter? Swarm."

"God wouldn't have made children so short if he didn't want you to fart in their faces."