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Joke of the Day

"My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses."

"People think it's okay to drive like assholes until we end up at a stoplight together and I'm dropping my rottweiler through their sunroof."

"What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana."

"They say you can't skip leg day Ironically it is because of leg day that you can't skip."

"Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*"

"If somebody's presence does not add value to your life..Then their absence should make no difference!"

"My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate... So I got a second girlfriend."

"Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap."

"Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but... (puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!"

"The reason I don't like Facebook's ""memories"" feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now."