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Joke of the Day

"Why the chicken cross the road .... to get the Chinese newspaper. Do you get it? Neither do I, I get the new york times"

"*Now with 50 percent less fat* Me: ooooh *buys two*"

"Knock Knock Knock knock Knock knock knock knock KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Whitney, Hurry up in there I gotta take a shit!!!"

"I work at a restaurant and one of the chefs there is both dyslexic and epileptic. Ended up sending out a chicken seizure salad."

"On Mondays, Zombies feel alive inside."

"Have you heard how busy the Samsung customer care lines are? Their phones are blowin' up!"

"So Mrs Lincoln... Besides that, how'd you like the play?"

"How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!"

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?"

"*walks up to cute teller at bank* Me: you wanna grab lunch some time? T: sir, I've seen your balance. M: yea, I was hoping you'd buy."