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Joke of the Day

"[son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?"

"Was Jesus Gay? Maybe Jesus was Gay? All this time he was actually saying ""Ah, men!"""

"Two vampires walk into a bar One orders a glass of blood, the other orders a glass of plasma. The bartender replies, ""So one blood and a blood light."""

"In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat"

"Sorry I can't go out. I forgot to charge my phone halfway though the day."

"How do you make a rabbit fast? Don't feed it."

"Don't just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It's important to also watch some TV."

"Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it's 35 but just looks 25."

"What's the only thing worse than a worm in your apple? Reposts"

"`That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches. ""Nah."" ""Fine, suture self."""