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Joke of the Day

"""Happy birthday! "" - Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait... Did you get me a fake diamond? ""Well, it's not really your 29th birthday either"""

"Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables."

"Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village ? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!"

"Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax! Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*"

"I know weathermen get excited about snow, but it's kind of distracting when they jerk off during the forecast."

"I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice."

"Every religion has violent people... ... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS"

"What cell carrier do Mormons use? Virgin Mobile"

"Dear God, thank you for not giving spiders wings."

"I decided to sell my vacuum... It was just collecting dust."