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Joke of the Day

"I bought my son a puppy... I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy"

"""Release the Kraken!"" ... ""Well?"" ""We released him. He just took off. It's not like he was trained or anything."" ... ""Release the tuna!"""

"What does a dog get at the vet? [FIXED]"

"So now i hear donald trump wants to put auto gun turrets on his wall I say, do the coastlines too. Keep out those merpeople!"

"My bread factory burned down. Now my business is toast."

"How do you know If your girlfriend is Canadian? Look at her beaver."

"What did the pizza man say to Jay Garrick? Hi, I'm Jay Garrick."

"Be myself? BE MYSELF?!?! You don't care if I ever get laid again, do you?"

"*on a 1st date* Her:..and I have 3 cats Me: Swipe left H: Did you say ""swipe left""?! M: H: M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft"

"Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I've only missed one day"