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Joke of the Day

"""Release the Kraken!"" ... ""Well?"" ""We released him. He just took off. It's not like he was trained or anything."" ... ""Release the tuna!"""

"texting and driving is dangerous because u might accidentally text the lips emoji to your boss"

"Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the ""11"" in ""9-1-1""."

"I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I see, ugly is the new hot!"

"[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good"

"What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game? At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded."

"Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me."

"Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. . Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear."

"I'll take a girl with a sharp wit. Wits never sag."

"My mom says I look just like my father. It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman."