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Joke of the Day

"""Release the Kraken!"" ... ""Well?"" ""We released him. He just took off. It's not like he was trained or anything."" ... ""Release the tuna!"""

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"texting and driving is dangerous because u might accidentally text the lips emoji to your boss"
"Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives? A: They always forget the ""11"" in ""9-1-1""."
"I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I see, ugly is the new hot!"
"[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey W: but- PLS JUST DO IT *ends phonecall* BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good"
"What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game? At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded."
"Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me."
"Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. . Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear."
"I'll take a girl with a sharp wit. Wits never sag."
"My mom says I look just like my father. It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman."