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Joke of the Day

"WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those."

"There were two flies sitting on a toilet seat... one got pissed off."

"The Honorable Judge Matthew McConaughey enters the court room All rise all rise all rise."

"What is Jared Fogle's favorite meat in his Subway subs? 9 year old weiners"

"I think I have a sleeping disorder. It's called children"

"I went to buy a Christmas tree today The cashier asked me, ""Will you be putting that up yourself?"" I reply, ""No you sick fuck I'll be putting it up in my living room!"""

"Why did the Aggie take a golf club and a baseball glove storm chasing with him? -To golf the golf ball size hail and catch the baseball size hail"

"Scaring the postman I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I know where he lives."

"me: God? God: yes my child me: I need help- God: ask and thou shall receive me: -moving into my new apt God: me: God: me: hello?"

"What is the easy way to get a wild elephant ? Get a tame one and annoy it !"