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Joke of the Day

"I've been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it's my time to go. I'm already up to like 3 bucks."

"I'd like to die like my grandfather, who passed away while sleeping Not like his four passengers..."

"People only hate jury duty because they have to go to a courthouse. Let em stay home and they'll tweet who's guilty all day."

"What do you call a bossy potato... A dicktater"

"Have you heard the best dad joke? He was the groom's father. Not part of the joke: Yes I made that up in the shower this morning."

"The say the job market isn't good for an English Major... ...but hey, at least you're still higher than a captain."

"Wife [returns home] have you eaten Me: have you eaten Wife: are you copying me?! Me: are you copying me Wife: I Love You Me: I already ate"

"""Pff, I liked bread before it was sliced."" - Hipster baker."

"Why are frogs always so happy? Because they eat whatever bugs them."

"So I was applying to be a time machine technician.. There wasn't any openings right now, but there may be in the future."