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Joke of the Day

"My wife and I said we would only smoke after sex.... I have had the same pack of cigarettes since 2007, im starting to get worried about my wife though shes been going through 3 packs a day!"

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"[in a meeting] ok a Dracula movie except he's new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught- ""that's just Footloose"""
"Coworker: It'll either work or it won't. Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes."
"Why did the rapper die after being shot? He forgot 2pac his bullet proof vest"
"Why are math books useless? Because they are full of problems."
"wife: ""he never reacts appropriately, just tell him"" doctor: ""ok, keith we had to remove both your legs"" me: ""where will i keep my car keys"""
"An open letter to the President of the United States. Dear Mr. President I know where you live."
"Anatomy joke What muscle is most responsible for lateral rotation of the neck? The gluteus maximus"
"Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house Knock knock? Who's there? The chicken"
"Why I never get drinks at the bar with my dog... I'm afraid of getting woofied."