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Joke of the Day

"These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I'm going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross."

"""I know"" - me, on something I don't know"

"What is Heinz Guderian's favorite song? The Blitzkrieg Bop"

"If someone stands you up and doesn't call, stay positive. They could be dead."

"I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges. We called him Martin Loofah King."

"When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in."

"Wait... ""George Bush"" ..... George Bush Geonge Elush Ginge Eleshn Ninge Elevhn NiNe EleVEN NINE ELEVEN ..... BUSH DID 9/11"

"A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her""if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly"""

"Who is a Brooklyn dog's favorite composer? Bach Bach Bach"

"How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong"