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Joke of the Day

"""Hey kids, you like candy?"" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time."

"Friendly Competition my girlfriend and i often laugh about how competitive we are. but i laugh more :)"

"Nobody who does marijuana says they ""do marijuana."""

"Everyone's a feminist until they're stuck on a sinking ship."

"Borrowing Money ""Glad to see you, old man. Can you lend me five dollars ?"" ""Sorry, but I haven't a cent with me today"" ""And at home ?"" ""They're all very well, thank you, very well""."

"Maggie Thatcher is due to be buried in a man made lake. Well, it will be once everyone finishes pissing on her grave."

"I was watching some strange porn the other night... ...it had a fat naked guy perched on the end of his bed, crying while he masterbated. Then I realised I hadn't turned the tv on."

"Why couldn't the bike stand up? It was too tired."

"When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed My name, my address, my phone number"

"The internet is the devil sitting on the right shoulder of a man who suffers from insomnia, whispering in his ear ""you will never sleep""."