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Joke of the Day

"Me: I have a date tonight. Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn't a date. Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter...."

"Wanna see an asshole wrapped in plastic? Yeah? Ok, let me see your driver's license. (My buddy's grandpa told me this back in high school the first time I met him.)"

"If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so fucked."

"So a guy walks INTO a bar So a guy walks into a bar and says "" ow."""

"Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits."

"If you're looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I'm pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds."

"Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?"

"What do xbox services and prostitutes have in common? They both take my money then go down on me"

"What are some good 'your sister jokes'? Ones like: what's the difference between dinner and your sister? I wash my hands before eating dinner."

"Did you hear about the hunter who traded a prize deer for a high class prostitute? He got the best bang for his buck"