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Joke of the Day

"If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so fucked."

"I don't know what the question is.. But violins is not the answer."

"I don't throw gang signs. I'm Scottish. I throw bricks :)"

"I was talking to my Jewish doctor friend... And I asked him how much he charges for a curcumcision. He said that he does it for free, but he gets to keep the tip."

"why don't blondes make good cowgirls? they can't keep their calves together"

"My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there's no reason for me to be on antidepressants."

"15: MOM, WHERE'S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?! Me: Name THREE songs & I'll help you look for it. 15: ..."

"Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing you will not only regret but will also suffer."

"As a matter of fact, I _AM_ trying to cause a big sensation... Just talkin' 'bout double p-penetration"

"I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to."