207801

Joke of the Day

"[girl chatting up guy at bar] girl: so what do you do? magician: i halve a girlfriend"

"My horoscope read ""You're going places and you can't be stopped."" Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it."

"No tables? Maybe THIS will change your mind [slides maitre d' piece of paper that says ""It's my birthday""]"

"What did the ninja say to the waiter when asked what to drink? The ninja replies with ""Wata!"""

"What's the best joke you ever heard? For me, it's gotta be Emo Phillips' Baptist joke. Although to tell it you've gotta get his execution down."

"Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store? Because baggers can't be choosers,"

"My dad would always say this, I don't know if this classifies as a joke, but it's funny I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest Also: That smell could knock a buzzard off a shitpile"

"Reddit, what good thing got ruined? Reddit."

"Autotune is the new 80s saxophone."

"What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common? The amount of lead put into black people. (It was funnier over the radio)"