201527

Joke of the Day

"It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again."

"My wife just said ""I'm pregnant!"" I said ""Hi pregnant, I'm dad!"""

"Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G."

"An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away.... A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers "" I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

"I hate when job recruiters ask me where I see myself in 5 years. Like come on, dude, I don't have 2020 vision."

"A black kid comes home from school.... ""Yo mom guess what I got the biggest dick in the third grade! Is it cus I'm black?"" ""No nigga its cus you nineteen!"""

"What's a terrorist's favorite type of game? An RPG"

"Marry had a Little Lamb... Marry had a little lamb, Little lamb, Little lamb. Marry had a little lamb... The Doctor was surprised."

"A female plumber? Yeah, I'd tap that."

"Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can get is bronze."