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Joke of the Day

"An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away.... A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers "" I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

"I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be cremated.. I then told my family that I had no specific burial requests, just make sure that they don't have me cremated, no matter what."

"New study shows that homosexuals care more about marriage than straight people. When they propose, they get down on both knees."

"I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy."

"Did you hear of the old man that died while masturbating? He had a stroke."

"Knock, Knock Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to burst into tears as his grandmothers Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer recognize him."

"Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge Sis: M: S: That's a pizza roll. You're high"

"A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth. Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday."

"DAD: I invented a diaper that's also a time machine! MOM: Where do the poops go DAD: dunno! [CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942] HITLER: omfg"

"What's grey beautiful and wears glass slippers ? Cinderelephant !"