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Joke of the Day

"STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY."

"People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked."

"once i saw a horse standing next to a car and when someone remote unlocked the car, the horse got spooked and kicked in the passenger door."

"What do organic mathematicians put in their fireplaces? Natural logs."

"How do you put a baby to sleep? You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock."

"How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find."

"Be sure you are standing on your left foot and only your left foot at midnight tonight... ...so that you start the new year off on the right foot!"

"There are days & nights where I'm surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house."

"Where do you get a dog license? At the DMV (Department of Mutt Verification)"

"Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head."