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Joke of the Day

"Why do scuba divers falls backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

"[at a fancy restuarant] WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip ME: ok [writing on bill] ""only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg"""

"If you make a new sex position, do you get to name it? If so, I'll call it The Laptop. Internet required, partner is not."

"I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba."

"My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar"

"The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth."

"What did the mathematician use to kill himself? An hypotenuse."

"You never get a second chance to make a first impression... ...and so I bite."

"R.I.P boiled water... You will be mist"

"I decided to cancel my gym membership today... ...just didn't work out."