194622

Joke of the Day

"Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it. Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up."

"Making midget jokes is mean and belittling. *belittling*"

"My wife said ""why do you always treat me like a cunt?"" I didn't know what to say, so I just put 2 fingers in her mouth and licked her nose."

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy from drowning? He was too far out maaaaan."

"[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there's too much salt on his fries]"

"One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom."

"I searched in Google ""How do I know if my wife is a witch"". You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen."

"I lost my mittens and my girlfriend today. One might say that I'm in between gloves."

"Why Did The Hedgehog Cross The Road? Because he wanted to see his flat mate."

"Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs."