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Joke of the Day

"Me: Mom, am I ugly? Mom: Why don't you ask your girlfriend? Me: But I don't have a girlfriend! Mom: Still looking for the answer?"

"You mean there's another way to eat toast besides hunched over the sink like a fucking criminal??"

"Me, to all my kids before the age of 2. ""No screens allowed."" On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad. ""This is your mother now."""

"Why don't orphans like baseball? Because they don't know were home is XD"

"There's one nice thing about getting Alzheimers I'm making new friends every day!"

"Dang girl, are you a zombie? Cuz I'm bringing you back from the dead!"

"Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning! *scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers* Judy: Hi!!! How are y..... Me: *walks away*"

"Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood? Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month"

"So I was walking down the street... and this guy with premature ejaculation just came out of nowhere."

"What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity? Making their wrist look like their jeans. (I'm sorry)"