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Joke of the Day

"Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend. I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key."

"On medication is the BEST time to operate heavy machinery"

"A man walks into a Japanese bar... he wants a vodka, so he walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a Stoli the bartended replies, ""Once upon a time..."""

"Pretty sure my baby thinks the number after 10 is yay."

"Jesus saved my life... And before I could thank him he got in the car with Miguel and drove away."

"You know you're getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn't say anything back."

"What kind of beer does Hitler drink? Neinenkugel"

"In my experience, cross-eyed employees are the best deterrent against shoplifting. You just can't be positive that they're not watching."

"Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they'll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside"

"The only joke I know ....... What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch penis? A fungi to be with"