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Joke of the Day

"In my experience, cross-eyed employees are the best deterrent against shoplifting. You just can't be positive that they're not watching."

"These new drone regulations... I had to register my two sticks of butter with the FAA. It was so much trouble just to see my butter fly."

"If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that."

"What concert costs 45 cents? Fifty Cent and Nickleback"

"I wanted to ask ""What's up with women"" But that was too broad of a question."

"the worst part about hitting a child in public... is getting caught by their parents."

"My brother told me this today. Malayasia flight 404 not found."

"Thinking about becoming a cop just so I have an excuse for being out of shape, lazy and a racist."

"Me: Did you play video games all day? 9: No Me: What else did you do? 9: I ate lunch"

"If you really want to fuck a vampire.. then i'd say you're down for the count"