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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""Do you think it's strange to talk to yourself?"" Me: ""No."""

"I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break. Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy."

"[asking a girl out] ME: So do you have a dog? HER: Yes, I do. She's very playful. ME: *nervously* Do you know if she's busy later?"

"Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?"

"Two muffins cooking in a oven One says ""fuck it's hot in here"" the other says ""Holy shit, a talking muffin"""

"Who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life? A statistician."

"Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it's two tired."

"Nerd play Q:What do you call it when seven minutes in heaven is played at Comic-Con? A: Close encounters of the nerd kind"

"Q: how can you tell it is almost St. Patrick's day? A: Everyone is taking out their Paddy-o furniture."

"People who say that they don't have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier."