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Joke of the Day

"Just saw a 13 year old kid reading an actual newspaper. I stopped and asked of he was okay, and if he'd lost his phone."

"I want to believe Pistorius...... ... But it's pretty clear his argument doesn't have a leg to stand on"

"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"I'm just grateful that I don't have to draw on my eyebrows everyday because I would totally forget to do that."

"*holding a rattlesnake in each hand* These are the angriest maracas I've ever played"

"Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?"

"All my friends are convincing me to travel to Northwest Territories... But I'm having Nunavut."

"Do you want to know that people care whether you're alive? Try missing a couple of payments."

"A small bird flew right onto the side of my butt while I was running today I was wrong, there are chicks out there that find me to be their type."

"Islamic sex dolls... blow themselves up."