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Joke of the Day

"*holding a rattlesnake in each hand* These are the angriest maracas I've ever played"

"Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested. Put her head right through the drywall. Goddam cheap motels."

"I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards."

"How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None......he ""fell"""

"Let me tell you guys an Alzheimer joke if I can remember it."

"Your plastic surgery looks amazing. Your rotting, lifeless corpse is going to look so young. The other corpses will be so jealous."

"Him: So what are you into? Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics."

"I like my coffee like I like my women... beat up and dragged in a burlap sack over the Andes Mountains."

"What did the lesbian-vampire say to her girlfriend? See ya next month."

"How much room does a fungi need to grow? As *Mushroom* as possible!"