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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a crab with boobs and a bus filled with old people? One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station."

"What kind of food can't blind people eat? Seafood."

"Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet."

"Whenever I poke my cat in the eye and he gets squinty, I feel bad and poke him in the other eye, so I can pretend he's just really high."

"I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band."

"Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die."

"A cop stopped me & asked ""do you know why I followed you"" so I said ""cause my tweets are funny"" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail."

"A drunk man's reasoning; ""What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"""

"Your luggage has wheels on it? You know, that guy Jesus didn't have WHEELS on that cross thingy he had to lug around. You people disgust me."

"What new feature will the next Star Wars movie have that the old ones didn't? Han-free"