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Joke of the Day

"Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet."

"I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday it was a risk I was willing to take"

"[around campfire] ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song? KIDS: Yeah! ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI"

"What's the difference between a cow, and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 14 years."

"[lightbulb store] owner: ""what watt can i get you?"" me: owner: me: owner: ""did i stutter?"" me: ""i dont know"""

"When Jedi need to read PDFs, they use Adobe Wan Kenobi."

"That good buddy on Facebook who likes your status because nobody else will."

"I wish people would stop making gay jokes Cum on guys!"

"On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door."

"Why is a divorce so damn expensive? Because it fucking worth it!"