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Joke of the Day

"How Am I Doing? I'll Tell You How I'm Doing Volumes: 1-8"

"- 911,what's your emergency? - I'm out of beer! - That's no emergency. - Chest pain? - We'll send an ambulance. - Make sure they bring beer."

"I tried to learn how to drive a stick shift but I couldn't locate the manual."

"What did the Bacon say to the Tomato? What did Bacon say to Tomato? ""Lettuce get together"""

"Was kicked out of Walmart today. When I walked in I saw a ""Wet Floor"" sign. So I did."

"Two rules I live by #1 Never Take No for an Answer #2 No means No"

"Me: You've dimmed the lights already, aren't we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen."

"Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?"

"The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, ""That's how I want you to do it."""

"Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up."