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Joke of the Day

"I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day... I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression."

"An invisible man attacked me while he was masturbating. He came out of nowhere."

"[Dads birthday] ""Make a wish Dad"" *Dad blows out candles *Looks around *Looks @ wife Where did our son go? -What son? *Dad cries with joy"

"A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently."

"Death is like a chance to fuck in high school or college If you find out how it was close - you will be surprised."

"I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me."

"I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination."

"What do you do if your lawnmower stops working? Deport him back to Mexico"

"Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he didn't have an ear for music."

"In hell, you have to listen to chicks fully explain a movie, scene by scene."