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Joke of the Day

"Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees."

"When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say... ""Are you ready to take this shit to a whole new level?!"""

"You think you're going to win this? I've been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years. You don't stand a chance."

"Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he didn't want to be spotted!"

"My girlfriend caught me masturbating to porn on my phone... She looked at me seductively and asked if she could help. I said sure, could you hold my phone?"

"I used to be addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey Luckily I since turned myself around."

"Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT."

"Take my advice I'm not using it."

"[Family Dinner] Me: Grandma, please pass the updog. Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose* Grandma: What's updog? Me: Not much, how about you?"

"How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out."