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Joke of the Day

"You gotta give it up to whoever invented mistletoe at Christmas, all they did was hang up a weed, but were like, ""now ye must kiss me."""

"I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat."

"The Buddhist's Root Canal Why did the Buddhist refuse novocaine during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication."

"Makes eye contact with female. Medusa."

"Grandma found out I'm single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the 'have you thought about being a priest' talk again"

"I stepped on an ant hill today and realized I had probably killed a lot of innocent ants. I also killed all the ant rapists so, I'm a hero."

"Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November."

"How did pinocchio find out that he was made out of wood? His hand caught fire."

"Donald Trump has done so much good for American education. Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, ""I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."""

"I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... ""Were you fired?"""