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Joke of the Day

"I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... ""Were you fired?"""

"Mom: ""Why are you always on your phone? What's so great about the internet?"" Me: It doesn't constantly ask me questions"

"How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Apparently more than 5, as my basement is still dark"

"Hey, guys. Love college basketball? You should see this thing CBS is doing this weekend. Crazy!"

"What's white on top and black at the bottom? Society"

"Why do lesbians prefer going to Sports Authority? They don't like Dicks..."

"In Theory... In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they never are."

"Left the waitress a tip of $4.04. Now I'm concerned she won't be able to find it."

"I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that's when I was asked to leave Costco. THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage"

"If you're the guard at a Samsung store ... Does that make you the guardian of the galaxy?"