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Joke of the Day

"[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart] Ma'am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly. [slowly puts second tub in cart]"

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"*interrupts eulogy* SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL"
"Worry not confederate flag supporters! You may have lost the battle... But you haven't lost the w- oh right."
"When I got my first pube, I left it under the pillow for the Pube Fairy. He came. All over my pillow."
"""Who am I?"" she beckoned the stars. Stars: We've gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman."
"Why did the frog cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken"
"[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN..."
"I dare you to read the New Testament, except substitute every ""Jesus"" with ""Pizza Hut"" and tell me it isn't the greatest business plan ever."
"No school tomorrow... Thanks Obama"
"My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she's not my biological offspring"