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Joke of the Day

"My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she's not my biological offspring"

"Kids are scared to pour vinegar in their cups because BAKING SODA. BAKING SODA. I GOT BAKING SODA"

"My girlfriend lives on the east coast of Virginia. She's my Chesapeake Bae."

"Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns? They always take things literally."

"[gym] Trainer: You here to get cut? Me: Uhh no, I'm already circumcised and if that's covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill"

"If I had a time machine and could travel to any time imaginable, I know in my heart I'd probably just set that thing to lunchtime."

"Some people just have a way with words, and other people ... oh ... not have way."

"What did the slut's left leg say to her right leg? Nothing. They've never met."

"How do senior citizens handle indoor skydiving? Depends"

"New theory: It's Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives."