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Joke of the Day

"Never using online dating again. Last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison. He meant prison."

"I wanted to rope down this mountain... but I found it quite rappelent."

"Twitter goes over capacity more than Kirstie Alley's home elevator."

"Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending."

"What does a gentleman do after sex? He puts the diaper back on."

"My gf just sent me an SMS: ""Spacekeydoesn'tworkcanyougivemeanalternative"" I am really excited but what the f**k does ternative mean?"

"HER: this isn't working out ME: is it because I'm too literal? HER: I just don't want to see you any more ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*"

"I named my dick Christmas Christmas came early"

"Bought myself a really tight fit bomber jacket the other day But once I had got it on it wouldnt go off..."

"btw, my linkedin endorsements for ""Dreamweaver"" are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software"