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Joke of the Day

"*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a seance* I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER! [4 days later] YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY"

"Honesty is an important part of parenting. That being said, I'm going to tell my kids that McGruff the Crime Dog is a dog that loves crime."

"How do mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Cesars"

"What is Gordon Ramsay's least favourite subreddit? IT'S R/AWW!!"

"Always toss glitter onto someone when telling them bad news so that the bad news is only the second-worst thing to happen to them that day."

"Congratulations to Amy Winehouse... ...on six months of sobriety."

"What's black, jobless, homeless, fatherless, and has no life? Harambe."

"My entire life is just a test To see whether I'll commit suicide or homicide first."

"Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics? It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs."

"A batch of muffins are baking in the oven ... a muffin says to the other muffin 'getting hot in here eh' The other muffin says HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN"